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"You have reached Loki of Asgard, the handsome God of Mischief and Lies, except for the fact that you have not. If you seek to contact me over some grievance, I preemptively assure you it was not I that wronged you. I am sure I can suggest many that could have done so that are not myself.

Regardless, leave a message and I shall get back to you with all due haste. Honest."